summer in the city.

All things know

2010-11-22T16:22:00.000-08:00

I fell in love again. Drove to Chicago.

I don't mind,
I made a lot of mistakes
in my mind.

Road trip.

2010-11-08T05:11:00.000-08:00

Last stop for a resolution
End of the line, is it confusion?
So go, go see what's there for you
Nothing new, nothing new for you to use
I've got no new act to amuse you
I've got no desire to use you, you know
But anything that I could do
Would never be good enough for you
If you can't help it then just leave it alone
Leave it alone
Yeah, just forget it
It's really easy
I believe I'll forget it too
Still you're keeping me around
'Til I finally drag us both down
Pulling feathers out of your hat
Yes I believe that's where it's at
You belong tagging along
And I belong in your zoo
So I wait for your confirmation
That you're never gonna use your starting gun
Unless it's me it sounds like being him just wasn't that much fun
Anything that I could do
Would never be good enough for you
If you can't help it then just leave it alone
Leave me alone
Yeah, just forget it
It's really easy
I'll just forget it too
Coast to coast
Coast to coast
I'll do what I can so you can be what you do
Coast to coast
Coast to coast
I'll do everything I can so you can be what you do
Coast to coast
Coast to coast
Circuit rider comes every fifth Sunday
Oh my lord, I fell asleep one day
Anything that I could do
Is there anything that I could do
That someone doesn't do for you
That someone didn't do for you
That I've already done for you?

A terrible thought

2010-10-01T22:58:00.000-07:00

could have a terribly long career.

I don't know what to do. I need some time to be alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to hurt anybody. I'm wilting away. I need to figure this out.

Little one.

2010-05-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

Again and again and again. Say it.

Moving across the country with no plans. Again. Seeking to be overwhelmed, but not alone this time. Someone loves me.

Symbiotic.

2010-05-05T11:17:00.000-07:00

I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts – every definition of this word, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else. I do not relay these facts about myself with pride but this is how it’s always been.

Heartstrings.

2010-02-19T08:57:00.000-08:00

Flow sweetly, hang heavy, you suddenly complete me.

As the world falls down.

2010-02-04T19:21:00.000-08:00

I haven't been myself lately. I withdrew too much too fast and I'm stuck in limbo between those places of "Life will get better" and "It's all a waste of time anyway". Usually a specific thought can motivate me to keep going. A small blotchy thought creeped up on me and before I could shoo it away and it said "I can't wait until this is over." Same words, different meaning.

All the love in the world could not satisfy me. Maybe there is no place where I can put down roots. Maybe school, Seattle, adventure is not enough. This world is not fantastical enough for me.

They'll be spitting in your eye.

2010-01-10T23:50:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've just had a cancerous growth removed. It's amazing how other peoples' actions can actually help you get over them completely where, on your own, you've failed. The ice queen is back and here to stay.

Today's the day I realized I could be loved.

2010-01-06T20:44:00.000-08:00

This loss isn't good enough for sorrow or inspiration. It's such a loss for the good guys afraid of this life that it just is, because everybody
dies.

Unwashed and somewhat slightly dazed.

2010-01-04T18:29:00.000-08:00

I woke up and hated my face again. I'm going to lay here and have another drink. I still hate you.

Love,
B

New resolution.

2010-01-01T18:02:00.000-08:00

resolution [ˌrɛzəˈluːʃən]n

1. the act or an instance of resolving

2. the condition or quality of being resolute; firmness or determination

3. something resolved or determined; decision

Different decisions by me for this year, same indecisiveness for others. It is what it is, love. It is what it is: love. My resolution for 2010 and every year from now on is temperance and balance.

This is the last time.

2009-12-31T14:11:00.000-08:00

I'm so glad that you decided to come.

2009-12-27T04:17:00.001-08:00

What walks on four feet in the morning, two in the afternoon and three at night? Menagerie of spring gardens , often do they get rained upon, during any season that passes their way. Snow home-ish. Infer that, blue tile in that pattern, 365 750. It rained 119 days of the year. Imagine the lost. Lost in that which houses of my vices , my flaws, my evils . Elevator? Won't you be more tender? Home. And maybe if I sober up, I will stop pretending that love is forever. You could never be here. You will never be here. Go HOME.

HAH! Another day and I could've gone MAD!

In fact, I can't stop falling out.

2009-12-25T02:41:00.000-08:00

If it gets too late for me to wait for you to find you love me and tell me so, it's ok,
don't bother.

This dream will not remember me.

2009-12-15T18:43:00.000-08:00

I clasp my chest and declare unto my audience, "I love your long shadows and your gunpowder eyes."

Things are starting to look up.

I'm not dead.

I must be patient, and work on my faults, and appreciate what's around me because it's not going to change soon anyway. I've done some serious growing up this year and I haven't even really tried like I said I was going to. I'm shedding and dissecting insecurities instead of justifying them; accepting responsibility; and trying so very hard not to flail my entire body on the ground in a tantrum when I don't get what I want *right now*. Some things are completely worth waiting for.

The blood runs crazy.

2009-12-14T06:39:00.000-08:00

So suddenly the madness came with its whiskered, wolven ether pangs. He locked the door and he shut the blinds, he laid down on the floor and he slept like iron while the dirty knife wore deep into his spine. Cascading letters pool on the stairs. The grass is high, the cats are wild; can't even touch the tip of their tails. He sang nursery rhymes to paralyze the wolves that eddy out of the corner of his eye. But they squared him, frozen where he stood, in the glow of the furniture piled high for firewood.

Кричить шалено, стрекоче зубами.

Oh what a cold and common old way to go.

2009-12-10T09:26:00.000-08:00

Temporary battles can take up half your life. How you dig your bed: will it help you sleep at night? Forgiveness like a blanket that you want to forget, but you still crumble at my name.

Samson.

2009-12-03T04:09:00.000-08:00

My heart is so broken that I can't even function.

You're going down down down how low can you go?

2009-12-01T22:16:00.000-08:00

Vengeance built me hastily

2009-11-30T01:59:00.000-08:00

and I dragged the clanging notion I was nobody

nobody,

nobody.

I've heard it all before.

2009-11-24T02:48:00.000-08:00

Capturing moods.

2009-11-23T03:06:00.000-08:00

Moods don’t command you if you don’t know what you’re going through.

There’s love for you up where the population grows.

There’s friendly people in cities too, ask them where they are going to.

There’s life and work up where the clouds meet the snow.

I've got my best shoes on and I'm ready to go.

2009-11-20T05:31:00.000-08:00

I wish I hadn't failed in Seattle.

Stranger things will come your way.

2009-11-14T18:27:00.000-08:00

Buffalo, New York.

2009-11-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

Gahhhhhh.

Clawfoot vintage.

2009-11-02T02:18:00.000-08:00

There's roughly around 20 kids getting ready or showing off their costumes in Josh's tiny 2/1 old-school apartment. The girls aren't catty and the music isn't Li'l Wayne. The DVD collection on the fireplace mantle is drool-worthy. There are several Rubik's Cubes and decks of cards lying all about the perpetually messy apartment. There's a glorious antique clawfoot tub in the bathroom that I hog every time I visit.

Honey's in the hourglass.

2009-10-23T00:15:00.000-07:00

Sigh yourself to sleep.

I cracked a piece of broken glass.

2009-10-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

My heart's not dead. It's just bad weather in my temporary head.

You should see my scars

2009-10-07T15:18:00.000-07:00

At worst, I feel bad for a while.

2009-10-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

I feel these emotions for you; still I know there's no way that you're the person I imagined you to be. I don't know what it is that you want from me but you cannot have it. If you could read my mind and know what I really feel, I wonder, would we still be friends?

It's cool to love your parents.

2009-10-01T15:02:00.000-07:00

I love my dad even though he is angry and disappointed. He just doesn't know how to deal with things sometimes. I will take care of him when he is old.

I love my mom. She saves silly things of mine and we slip each other notes with little caterpillars drawn on them. I will take care of her when she's old.

Dear diary.

2009-09-16T17:42:00.000-07:00

The Florida sun baked my painted words onto the bridge railing 4 years ago. I used to go there and run my fingertips over the words and yearn and sigh and push one fisted hand into a cheek and stare over the Little Econ and stand there until it was night and sounds came from the forest that I couldn't match with any animal I knew. I painted words onto the bottom of my desk too. Now, whenever I am sad, I molest them instead and feel a little disloyal but mostly calm. I'd like to think of it as therapeutic braille.

Maybe they think I'm naive because of my baby face.

2009-09-14T04:15:00.000-07:00

Revision.

2009-09-09T13:00:00.000-07:00

Campari soda.

2009-09-07T17:34:00.000-07:00

Verbatim.

2009-09-05T19:28:00.000-07:00

I wish I would die in the arms of a child in a meadow where the thistles grow wild.

Raindrops are falling on my head

2009-08-28T12:04:00.000-07:00

but that doesn't mean that I am dead!

Coping mechanism.

2009-08-27T06:16:00.000-07:00

There is honey in my hourglass.

Another airplane, another day. The lame lady of the airports. I love observing forced routine, love the time constraints and stress, I love all of you dear people rushing around to get somewhere. I wonder what I must look like to you. I'm not on vacation. Do I look like I'm on vacation? Hello, my name is Holly. Hello, my name is Alice. Hello, my name is Danielle. I'm visiting family. I'm changing jobs. I'm 22. I'm 17. I am in school. I'm pregnant. Please don't ask any more questions, I want to fall asleep face down on my pull-out lunch tray until we arrive in - where are we going again?

zzzz

Please die ana.

2009-08-20T12:48:00.000-07:00

But I just want something to do.

The expanding catalog of men that don't know what they want.

2009-08-16T01:20:00.000-07:00

"Complain about your shit to someone else. I'm sick of you telling me what I can and can't talk about. I hope you're happy that you've successfully pushed someone away, congrats."

That day.

2009-08-12T15:35:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's coming 'round like a hair-pin curve in the road, she's got a run in her stocking and she's missing the heel of her shoe. I got up this morning and rolled out of bed, I spilled a Diet Coke, called my brother and said, "Hi." What I meant to say was: "Why is your life a joke?" Then I went down to that ugly bar and I clicked my heels three times just like you said and I climbed that road to your empty house. The anticipation was a turn-on, but you let me down. I stood on that empty street alone and I said, "I'm ready for my close-up now, Mr. De Mille." I waited for the light but it never shone. Well I wonder what you do with that expensive piece of land that overlooks a billion years of history. I have a sneaking suspicion you will never understand. But hey maybe I'll see you down by the Rocky & Bullwinkle and we can talk to that charlatan psychic and she can paint a prettier picture of your future. Because that day in my life... I dreamt tomorrow had a prettier face. I dreamt tomorrow would have better things to say than, "You look like shit, what's your problem, bitch? Your legs feel like sandpaper, you can't do anything right." Because that day never should have taken place, because this day in my life still cannot explain why I listened in the first place to you.

Oh yeah, something else... I hope one day you call up your father and you have the guts to tell him how he hurt you and he made you hurt another. Because it makes me sad.

Would she miss a job that's sexual?

2009-08-10T10:25:00.000-07:00

It's raining in Athens.

2009-08-05T18:50:00.000-07:00

This summer, you'll call maybe, and act as if we were old friends. You'd say,
"?"
And I'd say, "."

I've mastered the art of dealing and slipping away without falling apart.

Entropy.

2009-07-29T14:53:00.001-07:00

And here is a lovely daughter, shot down in her
mistaken flight, unaware yet how her life will be
affected by this... experience.

Oh it's strange how the world becomes pure.

2009-07-21T22:10:00.000-07:00

Marvelous things appear every day when I'm not in a bad mood. Lanterns on bridges, little unmanned islands, cotton candy sunsets, empty beaches at night with glowing water. Thanks to the phosphorus, of course, but we'd like to pretend it's our presence that brings it around.

Witching hour, soft power.

Tonight we're throwing our naked selves into the ocean in some perverted form of baptism, all for our own reasons. I can't speak for anybody else's reasons, but I always notice there's a lull when we're all together and everybody is out of words and you can almost trace the stress lines in their faces as they stare straight ahead. I'm doing it, hoping to get caught up in the moment and feel everything lift up off my shoulders and the inspiration and optimism will come back and I'll notice something in the sky just for me. I'm doing it, to reflect on what on earth has happened to the sappy little girl I once knew and left behind nearly 4 years ago when I started my journey across the country. All the people I've loved, the ones I've left behind, the ones that left, the ones I've scorned. The experiences that I've put a paperweight on and need to be reviewed for organization now. Was it as good as I remember, as bad as I thought? Am I the saint I think I am? Why did I go along with this or that? If I'm not going to think about it (and the last time I really thought about it, I remember clearly - that little playground in Seattle, very late at night, laying in the grass and watching the towers twinkle and being very glad I was alone), then I might as well lay the thoughts to rest and let it be.

And why not let it be? I know my issues, I know my likes and dislikes, I know what I won't repeat or let happen again. Does it always need to be analyzed to death?

Now I'm gold.

2009-07-15T00:54:00.000-07:00

I'm free!

Darling, I can see right through you on a cloudy day.

2009-07-12T11:18:00.000-07:00

When you crawl into bed, you pull the covers a bit too tight. Get drunk and lay your head on your pillow, mute and white. Do you dream at all? Because I don't believe you do. Such dead slumber will get you nowhere in the end. Do you wish someone was there to rock you to sleep? And hold you near? Well, that won't be me.

"Sorry, Barrye. I wish I was better."

2009-07-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

"Sadly, darling, the trend I've noticed as far as your love life goes
is one of unworthy plebeians who've received the cosmic adoration of
the gods and been blessed with an amazing opportunity which is
summarily thrown to shit. I love you dearly, Barrye, so please stop
dating losers. Trust me, I know, and they're not worth it."
- Alex.

I don't believe in flukes.

2009-07-07T18:21:00.000-07:00

The beach is wonderful, my heart is thawing, and everyone wants to know my story. I'm more interested in where I'm going than where I've been. I am a recovering junkie with a crazy head. But other than that, I'm relatively normal and boring.

I never wanted it to ever spoil but flies will always lay their eggs.

2009-07-04T02:04:00.000-07:00

My life hasn't been real for a while now. I see the beauty but I need to put some effort into living it. I'm so in love with a million things right now.

Flight in about 6 hours.

Where are you waking up today,

2009-07-02T02:43:00.000-07:00

my little runaway?

This is the beginning of my journey past the crossroads. I've made the hard decision and now I'm going to roll down the best path I could make for myself. Keeping track of my progress might do me some good. I'm not sure what's going to happen, I'm not sure what I want to happen. Someone made a fool of me before I could show them how it's done and now it's time for damage control. Strangely, I don't feel like there's much to fix in terms of me as a person. My life needs a definite overhaul though.

So that's why I'm looking to be inspired this summer. People, places, experiences, whatever I can soak up and live through for just a little bit. Keep it with me. Dreary nights on the beach, hot pavement, wicker, sea glass, the salty breeze, drenched in sweat, metal stairs, fireflies and listening to the frogs all night. Whatever all of that did for me years ago, I need that again. I have the capacity for happiness that most people would envy and all I need is that push.

Either way, no way, this way that way, there's nowhere to go but on.

I don't love you anymore, goodbye.

2009-07-01T14:07:00.000-07:00

I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose.